God’s Gift of Differing Money Philosophies in Marriage
If you're a money saver but your spouse is the free-wheeling-spender, money arguments may frequently erupt. Couples who have opposing philosophies regarding saving and spending often find it hard to land on common ground. However, seeing yourselves not as polar opposites, but flip sides of the same coin can help you navigate your financial differences.
Heads or Tails / Saver or Spender
If you're a saver, you value having money in the bank, investing in your future, and saving for rainy days. You likely hate credit card debt and tend to spend money cautiously. Your spender spouse may seem impulsive, prompting you to think, "Don't you care about our future?" On the other hand, you may seem controlling or miserly to your spouse who thinks, "For once, can't you loosen up? We really need some things!" Such divergent outlooks can lead to mistrust and resentment. But are these characterizations fair? Your money habits may reflect how you were reared and your personal experiences. Being a saver or a spender may come naturally. Instead of assigning blame, try seeing things from your spouse's perspective.
Start with discussing your common values. What do you want to accomplish together? Recognize that spenders may be more focused on short-term goals, while savers may be more focused on long-term goals.
Ultimately, whether you're saving for a vacation, a car, college, or retirement, your money will be spent on something. It's simply a matter of deciding together when and how to spend it.
Penny For Your Thoughts
Sometimes couples avoid talking about money because they are afraid to argue. But talking about money canactually help you avoid conflict. Scheduling regular money meetups could help you gain a better understanding of your finances and provide a forum for working through disagreements.
To help ensure a productive discussion, establish some ground rules. For example, you might set a time limit, insist that both of you come focused and prepared, and agree to take a break in the event the discussion gets heated. Communication and compromise are key. Don't assume you know what your spouse is thinking. Be willing to ask for clarity and negotiate. Following are some questions to get you started.
- What does money represent to you? Security? Freedom? The opportunity to help others?
- What are your short-term and long-term savings goals?
- How much money is coming in and how much is going out? Never assume that your spouse knows or understands your finances the same as you.
- How comfortable are you with debt, including mortgage debt, credit card debt, and loans?
- Who should you spend money on? Do you agree on how much to give to your children or how much to spend on gifts to family members and friends, for example?
- What rules would you like to apply to purchases? One option is to set a limit on how much one spouse can spend on an item without consulting the other.
- Would you like to set aside some discretionary money for each of you? Then you would be free to save or spend those dollars without having to justify your decision.
Once you've explored these topics, you can create a concrete budget or spending plan that reflects your financial personalities and goals. To satisfy you and your spouse, make savings an "expense" and allow some room in the budget for unexpected expenses. And track your progress. Having regular meetings to go over your finances will help you both remain on “the same page” regarding where and why money is spent. It will also facilitate you celebrating your (joint) financial successes and identify areas to improve. Be willing to adjust if necessary.
Finally, recognize that getting on the same page is going to take some work. When you got married, you likely promised to love your spouse “for richer or poorer.” This process is one way to walk in the reality of what the promise requires.